Almost dragonball
by Icicleact3
Summary: The mentally unstable Bardock and his twin sons, Kakarot and Yamcha, manage to escape the destruction of planet Vegeta and find themselves on Earth. Expect the unexpected because this isn't going to be some run of the mill go through cannon fic. AU.
1. Shit hits the fan

The year was… Actually, I have no fucking idea what year it was 'cos the dragon ball "age" system is fucking stupid. Anyway, Frieza was going to kill the Saiyan's.

"Lord Frieza, are you serious about killing all the Saiyan-Jins? They're so weak what's the point?" Exclaimed Zarbon in his fruity voice.

Frieza calmly walked over to the green haired trap (hint hint) before bitch slapping him to the floor. "First of all, just call them saiyans you fucking weeb. Second of all, I run this bitch, okay? Do they call you Lord-emperor-Frieza-San?"

Dodoria raised a grotesque, chubby finger. "They call him daddy."

…

Frieza's eyes were covered by his (nonexistent) bangs to show disgust/uncomfortableness like in anime. Zarbon cleared his throat as an awkward silence hung in the air for several minutes. Finally, Frieza managed to process what dodoria had said. "Who? Who calls him d-daddy?" Came Frieza's shaky voice.

"Why, his various sex-slaves within the grunt ranks of the planet trade organisation of course, what did you think I meant Lord Frieza?"

Again, Frieza's nonexistent bangs covered his eyes anime style. With a shudder, Frieza sent a death beam that pierced through dodorias body, killing him.

"..."

"Ahem… S-Shall we start over Lord Frieza?" Zarbon asked.

"I think that's a good idea. The saiyans are a threat to us. Maybe not now, but potentially one day they could revolt and cause me trouble." Frieza explained. Zarbon nodded as he tried his best to come up with a plan.

"These Saiyan's," Zarbon began, "are nothing to take lightly now that I think about it. Get several of them together on a full moon and what you have is a force that could rival the power of even you IceJinns. What do we do Lord Frieza sama?"

Frieza tapped his fingers together like the super villain he was. "I'm not quite sure yet. Perhaps we could-"

A lowly pto soldier barged into the room. "Lord-emperor Frieza sama! I come beari-"

Frieza blasted straight through the man. "Go find out what he was trying to say from another grunt, Zarbon." The tyrant said absentmindedly as Zarbon left the room briefly.

The doors parted and Zarbon returned. "Lord Frieza, it appears that planet Kanassa has been purged!"

"The fuck? Who could have possibly done that?"

"You won't believe this sir, but it was a group of low class Saiyan Warriors led by Bardock."

"Space Jesus. Even the low classes are capable of such things? That settles it Zarbon, we need to END these monkeys. Make sure all saiyans are on planet Vegeta in two days. Meanwhile, I want you to tell dodoria to go take care of that rogue leader, Bardock."

"Um Lord Frieza? You just murdered Dodoria."

"Fuck, you're right! Okay here's the new plan…"

-x-

"Say hello to my 'lil friend!" Yelled the batshit crazy Saiyan as he destroyed the purple alien, Cui with an energy attack. The battle was over. Bardock dusted off his hands as he grinned at the remains of the pto warrior.

"Well I'd say that's a pretty good job! I killed Cui and these other guys and all I lost was all my friends! Oh well, sucks to be them. I'm hungry as fuck anyway…" Said the insane warrior as he got in his pod and headed for the planet he lived on.

The scarred Saiyan landed on planet Vegeta and made his way to the hospital. He clutched his bleeding head and groaned. "What the hell kinda dream was that? I swear I saw the whole planet blow up…"

With that, Bardock fainted. A few hours later, a doctor came along and found the injured low class.

"Holy mother of Namek! What the hell happened to you Bardock? You suicidal nutcase, how do you even function with those kinds of injuries?" Said the doctor.

"Whatever. Let me just float in the healing sauce-"

"Healing fluid," the reptilian doctor corrected.

"Yeah that. See you ugly s.o.b's in a few hours." Said the low class.

The doctor regarded his scooter with surprise. "Are you all seeing this? Look at this man's power level!" The doctor continued to stare at the unconscious Bardock as his colleagues took out their own scouters.

"Oh my lord! Bardock's power level is over ten thousand!"

"No way! He could rival the power of the King! Let's hope he doesn't wake u-"

The healing fluid drained in an instant and a naked Bardock stepped out. He put on his armour as well as his headband and arm and leg things. "Bardock! Why the hell did you get out after only a minute in there? How did you even get healed?"

Bardock shrugged, "the plot needed to progress. I'm the main character so I used my bullshit plot bending powers and yeah, here we are."

The doctors were too shocked to say anything.

"So, can one of you measure my power level or something?"

One of the doctors turned to the others. "I-is this real life?"

"Do I gotta snap some necks or are you freaky alien genotypes going to tell me how strong I am now."

"..."

"I don't have all fucking day! Frieza's gonna be here any minute and you little nerds wanna stand around like we've got time to kill?" Yelled the Saiyan.

Fearing for his life, the doctor pressed the button on his scouter. "13,000 units."

Bardock grinned sadistically before running out the room. "Frieza doesn't stand a chance."

The doctors waited until Bardock was out of earshot before talking. "He does know that Frieza's power level is 500,000 units, right?"

"He'll probably be fine… Actually, he's going to die. But the world will be a better place without a madman like that."

-x-

Bardock ran through the hallways of the hospital.

Frieza's here. I just know it… Was it a vision I had? Is that what these dreams are?

"Bardock you son of a bitch, get over here right now and hold your children!" Yelled a female Saiyan who was laying in a hospital bed. Bardock groaned as he walked over to his mate.

"What the fuck do you want?" Said the male Saiyan.

Gine scoffed. "What, no greeting or asking me how I'm doing? Where have you been the past few months? Did you even know that I just had your sons? Come over here and take them off my hands."

"Hell no. How strong are they?"

Gine rolled her eyes. "See for yourself…"she mumbled in annoyance.

"Let's see here… OH COME ON! Two and ten!?"

Gine pretended to be looking at something in the opposite direction of Bardock.

"..."

Bardock sighed. "Well what are their names?"

"Kakarot and Yamcha. Kakarot's the one that looks like you and yamcha's the one with short hair."

Bardock left the room disappointedly. "They won't last long, probably gonna die on their missions."

Bardock opened a door and found himself on the roof of the building. He looked to the sky and saw an all too familiar ship.

Frieza. I know what I must do.

Bardock flew to meet the ship, and began fighting through many waves of pto soldiers in an effort to get to Frieza. Meanwhile, on planet Vegeta, the soldiers in charge of shipping off Saiyan babies to purge planets were blissfully unaware of the imminent death.

"Hmm, this one's called Kakarot and he's meant to go to… Earth. But there's only one pod left, and there's still this other baby to deal with."

The other soldier picked up the remaining baby. "Let's see here… Ah! We're in luck, these two are twins! We can just throw the in the same pod. Have fun on earth!"

The small pod then rocketed off into the dark abyss that is space. It flew past the battle between Bardock and Frieza. "This is the true power of the saiyans! Final ultramite, magic supreme, generic cliche boomburst!" Yelled the bandanna wearing Saiyan as he shot his ultimate attack. In was futile. Frieza's supernova absorbed the energy blast and continued on to destroy the planet of the saiyans.

Bardock watched on in horror as Frieza appeared in front of him. The IceJinn laughed callously. "Omae wa mou shindeiru."

"NANI?"

A broken Bardock was sent flying by the tyrant. He kept going, past the dying planet of Vegeta and into the ominous void of space. By some miracle, the severely injured Bardock smashed into the tiny ship housing his two reject children. "I-I don't believe it… I'm saved!"

Weakly, the Saiyan pressed the "open." button on the pod. He crawled inside, regarding his sons lovingly. "My children…" He said gently. "... Piss off! This is my pod now!" Roared the Saiyan as he threw Yamcha away, aiming for the void. Luckily for the baby, the pod shut automatically and he bounced off the metal and his the cushioning, albeit unconscious.

Bardock groaned as he reclined in the seat. "Oww… My entire body's been burnt. I need to rest. Hey, kid…. Uh Kakarot or whatever? Could you shut the fuck up please? You're really pissin' me off."

The baby Kakarot, who had been crying from birth up until now, only screamed louder at this.

"For crying out loud, shut the fuck up!"

The baby continued to cry.

"Grr, fine. Don't say I'm not kind..."

Bardock picked up his infant son and began rocking him. Soon enough, the baby stopped crying. Bardock grunted.

"Don't expect anymore of this coddling stuff. If I've got to raise you little accidents on my own, then I'm gonna whip you into Saiyan Warriors that our ancestors would be proud of."

Bardock flipped a switch, releasing a gas that began lulling him to sleep. "Four months till we reach our destination." A robotic voice said. Bardock nodded before falling asleep with Kakarot still in his arms and Yamcha face down on the floor.

"Ya better not piss on me, kid."


	2. Yamcha had a great fall

Bardock woke up soon after they landed on the planet. The warrior threw Kakarot over his shoulder and picked up Yamcha by the infants tail. "Well boys, we Gotta planet to purge so ya better grow up fast. Wait a sec, who the fuck is that?"

Bardock stepped out of the pod, finding himself in a strange environment of white tiles and trim gardens. A green man walked up to the Saiyan. "You who is the source of this insurmountable evil, what are your intentions with this peaceful planet?"

The Saiyan scowled. "Look here you frail green ballsack, I'm a rowdy Saiyan warrior who's been stuck in a tiny room with two babies for a year. I can't remember the last time I got laid! So le me tell you what's going to happen. You are gonna go get me some food and stop making demands from me, otherwise I'm gonna set that tree on fire and shove it down your throat."

A black genie appeared next to the guardian. "We mean no trouble," he said to the Saiyan.

The green man sighed as he discarded his robe. "I'm sorry, mister Popo, but as guardian I must take a stand. Choose a successor for me, please." The guardian moved to attack Bardock but the Saiyan was already moving. Kamis neck was snapped before he knew what was going on, and Bardock disintegrated the body before it touched the pristine white tiles of the lookout.

"Kami no!"

Bardock and his sons laughed at the genie. "Haha, you kids like violence, huh? Maybe you are my sons," the Saiyan looked at Kakarot before realising that he could literally never deny him as his son.

Little bastard looks way too much like me. so much for just pawning him off to this Popo guy.

Bardock the did something he never thought he'd do. He showed his son affection. Not Yamcha though, he sucks.

Popo walked over to Bardock and his children. "So you are capable of good, allow me to introduce myself, my name is mister Popo and I exist for the sole purpose of assisting the various guardians of this planet called earth."

"Good for you, racist son of a bitch. Why should I care about the guardian of earth or whatever?"

"Because, you're the new guardian of earth." Said Popo. Bardock did a double take. How could he look after innocent lives? He was a stone cold killer! There must have been a mistake!

"Uhh, you got it all wrong, poppy. I just killed the guardian of earth, I am not fit to look after the life on this planet! Look at the blood on the floor! And the corpse! I did that! I've got the blood of billions on my hands, I am not made for this whatsoever."

Popo smiled. "I think otherwise, mister Bardock. You may be a killer, but deep in your heart I know that you have the potential to be the greatest guardian of all time."

Bardock scoffed, "what's in it for me?"

"Food. Wealth. Women. Knowledge. Infinite praise. It's a pretty glamorous job, you just chill up here and stop a world war every soften." Popo said.

Bardock was unimpressed. "I could get all that in the process of destroying this planet."

"I'll babysit your sons."

"Deal! I think I'll make a great guardian!" The Saiyan grinned.

Bardock threw Yamcha over his shoulder as he put on the same style robes that Kami had worn. The baby screamed as it crashed down towards the ground, landing on his head. Kakarot cried as he watched his brother disappear. "Ah fuck. Could ya get that for me Popo my dude?" Bardock said absentmindedly with a wave of the hand.

"Of course sir."

"Please, call me bro or some shit, or just Bardock. Anyway, get the kid and then some food.' Replied Bardock.

Popo nodded as he hopped on a magic carpet and retrieved Yamcha. When he got back he found a shirtless Bardock laying on the tiles, with Kakarot unconscious on the floor. Bardock held a blunt; he saw Popo and laughed. "Woah…. Popo, you gotta try this shit I found, it's so cool! I love this planet!"

Popo panicked. "Oh no, oh no! You weren't meant to discover my weed stash!"

Bardock gasped. "Weeed!? Aw fuck, we Gotta dip popo! The police might come!"

Bardock phased out of sight, leaving a very stressed Popo calling out to him. "Bardock, wait! You're the guardian of earth! Literally the highest authority in existence!"

-x-

No, this isn't going to be some shitty humour fic that uses getting high for comedic effect. You can tell the authors have never been near weed and its cringe as fuck. It's gonna be somewhat classy.


	3. Lemme get uhhhhhhh

Three years had passed since the saiyans had landed on the lookout. Bardock spent his days getting high and eating. Occasionally, he took the time to beat the crap out of his kids.

Speaking of the children, Kakarot and Yamcha spent their days fighting and… Well that's about it. The brothers did nothing but spar, and they were confined to the lookout.

Kakarot was a violent, rude monster, just like his father. He loved causing trouble at every opportunity. On the other hand, Yamcha was a kindhearted boy who loved to fight. When Bardock wasn't so high he didn't know his own name, he was busy trying to disown Yamcha.

The two brothers were currently recovering from a fight. Yamcha had won. He was stronger than his brother by quite a bit. "I'll win next time, you kindhearted wuss." Kakarot growled at his brother. Yamcha just grinned.

Bardock walked in, wearing his scouter. "Just realised I never measured you accidents. Let's see here… Kakarot, you're 70 units. I could not be more ashamed. And Radditz, you're 100. Again, weak as fuck. When I was three I was probably like 500."

"How many times do I have to tell you, my name's Yamcha!"

"Yeah whatever. I'm going to get stoned."

"Our dad sucks," said Kakarot.

"Yeah,I can't wait to leave this place."

Meanwhile, in space

There were twelve of them altogether. Twelve saiyans in the pto ranks, and all of them were in the same squad. The strongest of them, a muscular man with a powerlevel of 20,000. His name was Turles. The rest were all at varying levels of power, yet the eight year old prince Vegeta was treated with the most respect.

Radditz couldn't breathe, the alien was going to kill him. The green bug man had him in a headlock. His father had been right, he was a weakling who would die before his teens. He couldn't even scream out in pain. He was pathetic.

Out of nowhere, the pain disappeared. His neck was no longer being restrained. He looked up. "Uncle Turles?"

The man grunted. "Come on Radditz, you need to do better. If we ever plan on defeating Frieza then we must all get stronger. Come on, the fight's not over yet."

Radditz got up with newfound determination. We threw himself into the fight, eager to prove himself. "My uncle is the strongest Saiyan alive, so there's no reason I can't be just as strong as him. My bloodline is strong, I have nothing to blame for being weak, only me."

The battle was won soon after that incident. Over the next few months, Radditz began pouring his very essence into nothing but training. It took years, but eventually he became one of the strongest saiyans. When everyone else realised that the weakling Radditz was stronger then them they panicked, and began training just as hard in an effort to keep up with him as well as his Uncle. The saiyans became so strong that they began to rival the greatest of pto soldiers.

Back on earth

It had been five years since Bardock and his children landed on earth. To out it simply, Bardock had become a slob. He was chubby and he hadn't done any training since his tim planet trade soldier. His sons on the othe other hand had become strong. They were capable of beating mister Popo, and had done it so many times that they were simply competing to see who could knock him out the quickest.

"Father, please let us leave the lookout, we can't get stronger if we just stay here forever. I wanna be strong! Let me leave this shit place and explore the world, there might be humans out there that can challenge us." Said Yamcha.

Bardock was high out of his fucking mind. "Whatever. Go get drunk I don't care, but Popo has to go with you. Don't come back if you know what's good for you."

Yamcha ran off to get Popo, but Kakarot stayed behind. "Hey old man, when you're not too busy drinking and smoking then take the time to have a fucking shower. You stink. Have you even had one since we've been alive?" Said the five year old. Kakarot ducked to avoid the glass bottle thrown at him. He flipped Bardock off and left.

"Get on the carpet, boys. It's going to be a long journey, I have much to teach you in terms of martial arts." Said Popo as they left the lookout behind. Yamcha was just glad to finally be gone, and he spent his time in awe of the planet below. Kakarot on the other hand was skeptical.

The mini version of Bardock crossed his arms cockily. "What could you possibly teach us, genie servant? My brother and I are way stronger than you." Yamcha nodded in agreement.

Popo laughed. "You may be stronger than me, but your technique is basic at best. You use very simple ki attacks. I know people and ways that can make your form better and teach you ki attacks that even your father doesn't know."

"Yeah yeah, dads a deadbeat. His power level drops everyday, and I only get stronger. It won't be long 'till I can kick his ass, any I've never even seen him use an energy attack. It's no secret that he's slipped, the guys fat as hell. He always used to tell us how we need to avenge our race, but he doesn't even care about that anymore." Kakarot deadpanned.

Popo had no comeback. "We'll talk about this at a later date. We've arrived at the home of the turtle hermit."

"What a stupid name. I bet this guy's weak anyway."

"You may be stronger than master roshi, Kakarot, but he is strong in other ways. I'd advise that you pay very close attention to his lessons."


End file.
